Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
