Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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