i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
