She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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