i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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