i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
