I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
