I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
