I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
