why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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