So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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