I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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