I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
