His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
