either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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