i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
