This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
