my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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