Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
