At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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