i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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