Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize