I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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