toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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