You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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