so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize