Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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