I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have tasted many bathrooms
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
