I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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