I didn't shave. On purpose
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
