I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have post one night stand depression
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