I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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