i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
