I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
