I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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