Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
