Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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