I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
