At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
