God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
