Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
