im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
