How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
