I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
