I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
