Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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