Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
