Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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