May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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