Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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