you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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