A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
