ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
