Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
