And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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