i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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