Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
it's great music for shaving your balls
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
