I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
