Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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