He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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