I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
