he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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