im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
