Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
