I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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